Grief occurs with every divorce, although grief can promote divorce in a contented couple. Grief is caused by loss, and the loss most frequently thought of, is that of a loved one. Nothing is more difficult than to lose a child. For years there has been recognition by health care providers that often marriages are another casualty of losing a child. Many relationships end in divorce some time after.
It seemed odd to me that when we need each other the most is at times of tragedy, and yet as mentioned previously, there are many relationship terminations. Recently I heard something that may explain this behavior. After a major loss, the parents are in such pain that it is overwhelming. The feeling of not carrying is frequent. Anyone with children can relate to this pain and anguish, although experiencing it first hand must be more intense than intellectual speculation.
This reason for relationship breakdown is as follows. In many parents grieving the loss of children, when the parents or remaining children come together, the pain comes to the surface and the psychological trauma is re-ignited. This pain is understandably avoided. Also, grief is unique for different people and certainly males coping mechanisms differ from females. These different experiences of grief, varying coping styles and pain production in survivors that get close may be the reason people split up. It is terrible to experience another loss in the midst of grieving, yet it is common.
Another factor in loss is anger and even blaming. Both are destructive to relationships although emotions trump logic every time. If we could share a loss by avoiding blame as best we can, accept our feelings (no matter how intense and painful), see others as handling things in their way with respect and understanding, respect the need for separateness, we might regain peace in our lives again. We never get over a loss of this magnitude, although if we did the spirit of the person lost might disappear. Keeping the spirit alive with feelings, memories and any other means, including conversation with the deceased is all worthwhile.
I hope this helps people after their terrible loss and perhaps one more case in family court might be avoided. Tell me what you think as these are just my thoughts.
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7 comments:
I can't even imagine the loss of one of my children, and don't want to try.
Marriages, or other intimate relationships are formed onthe basis of promises, either real or implied. Ironically though, when a partner or both partners reach a point of difficulty, whether it be of the magnitude you talk about here or something less devastating and even fixable, sometimes it seems that the very person one is supposed to be able to rely on for support is not there.
Of course, with the loss of a child, both parties will be looking for support, so finding a strong person in one's partner may be very difficult.
I think a couple of different things may be playing here. Firstly, many marraiges and relationships are not truly intimate to begin with. They appear solid on the outside but the two parties may never have revealed their true selves to one another before. the relationship may in based largely in Ego, and most of the relating may be taking place at this level.
A devastating loss that affects both partners could force either one or both parties to feel the need to show their true selves, something that is both unfamiliar and scary, so, instead of falling together, the couple falls apart.
Another possibility is that the pain is so great that each parties Ego, or just one parties Ego starts to really come alive, in an effort to protect the true self from the pain. I think if this happened, one partner could just develop into someone who seems quite different and possibly uncaring, or something else unfamiliar and drive a wedge in the relationship.
Lastly, I truly beleive that many times a person is not upset for the reason they think. The loss could have somehow mirrored some other loss from the past or awaken core beleifs in one or both persons. This could cause one or both parties to wonder if they somehow "caused" the loss or "deserved" the loss. This could ignite all sorts of internal troubles that the other party has no idea about. Again the Ego would most likely fall into a pattern of attack and blame, guilt and shame.
If the couple was not really "intimate" to begin with. There may be a complete lack of understanding and therefore a drifting apart for this reason as well.
I don't know, but it seems to me that there are so many possibilities but with a common theme.....
I never want to experience it.
These are very thoughtful comments. At the same time, I think that one can't blame anyone for a marriage falling apart after the loss of a child. I agree with you that the loss is too awful to contemplate. Still, it happens often enough. At least 60 years ago it was quite common. Since we started caring about people's psyche, everything is better and worse. Thanks again for your comments.
Can you explain the comment "Since we started caring about people's psyche, everything is better and worse. "
I'm curious about that.
Cheers
Unfortunately, I speak as someone who went through a crisis. Although my son ultimately survived, his near death had a profound effect on my marriage.
The effects were slow and my wife and I each tried to deal with our pain in separate ways while outwardly appearing strong. The effects were cumulative and corrosive.
I would offer that being strong by holding in all that emotion is not the way to go. Howling in rage, baying at the moon, grief councilling etc. all would be preferrable to holding them in.
In my experience we started to live separate lives. Long periods of silence or civility would be punctured by a rage that would leave the other partner feeling assaulted. Denial of the emotions required denial of any association between the trauma and loss to the outbursts occuring years later.
I agree with inthebackrow's thoughts that intense emotional crisis can reveal the cracks and unstable foundation in a marriage. A stronger marriage might make couples fight harder for the relationship.
I feel that my particular experience and knowledge is not that useful to other couples as the after effects take place slowly over several years and any piece of advice is easily lost in these slowly evolving trajedies.
Just to clarify,
I don't "blame" anyone for not having a truly intimate partnership. That takes oodles of awareness and work.
I agree with buckaroobonzai that advice is not as good as time, if I understood your point. Still, insight and sharing may trump time. Your comments are from the heart and thus important. It's nice to know someone else that doesn't have all the answers. In response to inthebackrow's query about the psyche being not all good, I would say this. Sometimes too much introspection can get in the way of healing. The focus on the psyche is mostly a giant leap forward for man, still nothing is all good. Some have misused study and helping to hurt, even though that is not the intention. Thanks again for the comments and keep the faith.
Tell me about it, the grief is probably the worst part, some times I just want to say 'take everything and just leave me alone'. The only person I have to console me right now is my divorce attorney in San Diego CA, and even she's not that comforting some times. I think what I'm going to start looking for next is a guy that does fathers rights in san marcos.
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