Grief and Divorce

Grief occurs with every divorce, although grief can promote divorce in a contented couple. Grief is caused by loss, and the loss most frequently thought of, is that of a loved one. Nothing is more difficult than to lose a child. For years there has been recognition by health care providers that often marriages are another casualty of losing a child. Many relationships end in divorce some time after.

It seemed odd to me that when we need each other the most is at times of tragedy, and yet as mentioned previously, there are many relationship terminations. Recently I heard something that may explain this behavior. After a major loss, the parents are in such pain that it is overwhelming. The feeling of not carrying is frequent. Anyone with children can relate to this pain and anguish, although experiencing it first hand must be more intense than intellectual speculation.

This reason for relationship breakdown is as follows. In many parents grieving the loss of children, when the parents or remaining children come together, the pain comes to the surface and the psychological trauma is re-ignited. This pain is understandably avoided. Also, grief is unique for different people and certainly males coping mechanisms differ from females. These different experiences of grief, varying coping styles and pain production in survivors that get close may be the reason people split up. It is terrible to experience another loss in the midst of grieving, yet it is common.

Another factor in loss is anger and even blaming. Both are destructive to relationships although emotions trump logic every time. If we could share a loss by avoiding blame as best we can, accept our feelings (no matter how intense and painful), see others as handling things in their way with respect and understanding, respect the need for separateness, we might regain peace in our lives again. We never get over a loss of this magnitude, although if we did the spirit of the person lost might disappear. Keeping the spirit alive with feelings, memories and any other means, including conversation with the deceased is all worthwhile.

I hope this helps people after their terrible loss and perhaps one more case in family court might be avoided. Tell me what you think as these are just my thoughts.